Today began with potential
Curves flew by, members decided to be insane and give me Christmas presents, and someone told me that looking into my eyes was like looking into the ocean
That was all really nice, and I was feeling pretty bouncy
Then, I went home and found out my Babcia wanted us to come over for Christine's birthday
So, it was just my father, Christine, and me...and Babcia, Uncle Stan, Aunt Iris, my little cousin Stas, and my step-cousin- Alex - they all live in my Babcia's house.
I love my Babcia and don't want her to be sad. This is the second daughter she's lost to breast cancer. But, she is controlling and oversteps her boundaries more and more often with things lately - really hurting my father and me (I don't know exactly what my siblings think), though she doesn't mean to. It just really hurts to be there sometimes- particularly when I find out I'm going so last minute. There have been so many last minute, forced get-togethers and masses said in memory of my mom. I hate these things. When my Aunt Pam and Uncle Joe are there, it's different...I guess cause we always got together and were happy. My mom was such a happy, good-natured, sweet, lovable, fun person, and people are ruining that memory of her for me. I want to remember her happily, and I'm sure she'd like to be remembered happily. When they make things sad, it's like they are erasing my memory of her...---->anguish
I got over there and buried my head in a pillow, because the usual, little things were depressing me so much...of course, people couldn't just let me be. They had to be like "what are you doing?" and stuff...like I couldn't just rest my head for a minute
When my father asked Stas (who is 7 or 8) about Christmas, he said "we're not decorating this year cause of Aunt Jadz"...and he repeated it a bunch of times...to my father...
That is so frustrating for me. I started to cry and could not stop...because my mother would NOT want that. I KNOW that for a fact. And her mother should know that. And her brother should know that. They are insane. And on another note, I would never do that to a child, either.
There were a bunch of other, little things too...the whole night was just ridiculous. They said the holidays would be rough, and they are...but since my happy memories of my mom outnumber the bad by far...I've barely cried...unless someone's given me reason to. I want so badly to talk to her...and I have so many amazing people to talk to about things...but I have so many important things in my life right now and no one will ever take her place
God I miss her so much