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February 2008

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Feb. 24th, 2008

(no subject)

what is wrong with me?

Jun. 7th, 2007

(no subject)

who's seen jezebel?
she was born to be the woman i would know
and hold like the breeze
half as tight as both our eyes closed

who's seen jezebel?
she went walking where the cedars line the road
her blouse on the ground
where the dogs were hungry, roaming

saying, "wait, we swear
we'll love you more and wholly
jezebel, it's we, we that you are for
only"

who's seen jezebel?
she was born to be the woman we could blame
make me a beast half as brave
i'd be the same

who's seen jezebel?
she was gone before i ever got to say
"lay here my love
you're the only shape i'll pray to, jezebel"

who's seen jezebel?
will the mountain last as long as i can wait
wait like the dawn
how it aches to meet the day

who's seen jezebel?
she was certainly the spark for all i've done
the window was wide
she could see the dogs come running

saying, "wait, we swear
we'll love you more and wholly
jezebel, it's we, we that you are for
only"

Apr. 6th, 2007

Oh man

Lately, I really regret having opened up to people

I wonder, if I hadn't become social after Brad and I broke up, would I be alive right now?

I don't know. Probably.

I just need to talk to my mom.
I just need to talk to someone who will not get sick of me, and I need to stop molding myself to try to match other people better.
I need to know who I am and not feel the need to talk or wonder about it out loud with people.


except maybe singing or performing
I want to make people laugh
instead of be miserable and get sick of me

I should probably go to church, but I don't know which one or how

I am just so lonely lately- every day- I'm just so lonely. I just want to see people. I just want to get out of here and see people.

I am working til 1:30 tomorrow. If anyone wants to do anything after that, let me know

I promise not to talk about any of this or be a drag. I just want to have some fun

Mar. 30th, 2007

(no subject)

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head

Jan. 22nd, 2007

(no subject)

Some people in this world just don't know how awesome they are

Dec. 19th, 2006

apology

People deal with grief in different ways, and it was selfish and unfair of me to say all that

Dec. 16th, 2006

Good Intentions Gone Bad

So today

Today began with potential

Curves flew by, members decided to be insane and give me Christmas presents, and someone told me that looking into my eyes was like looking into the ocean

That was all really nice, and I was feeling pretty bouncy

Then, I went home and found out my Babcia wanted us to come over for Christine's birthday

So, it was just my father, Christine, and me...and Babcia, Uncle Stan, Aunt Iris, my little cousin Stas, and my step-cousin- Alex - they all live in my Babcia's house.

I love my Babcia and don't want her to be sad. This is the second daughter she's lost to breast cancer. But, she is controlling and oversteps her boundaries more and more often with things lately - really hurting my father and me (I don't know exactly what my siblings think), though she doesn't mean to. It just really hurts to be there sometimes- particularly when I find out I'm going so last minute. There have been so many last minute, forced get-togethers and masses said in memory of my mom. I hate these things. When my Aunt Pam and Uncle Joe are there, it's different...I guess cause we always got together and were happy. My mom was such a happy, good-natured, sweet, lovable, fun person, and people are ruining that memory of her for me. I want to remember her happily, and I'm sure she'd like to be remembered happily. When they make things sad, it's like they are erasing my memory of her...---->anguish

I got over there and buried my head in a pillow, because the usual, little things were depressing me so much...of course, people couldn't just let me be. They had to be like "what are you doing?" and stuff...like I couldn't just rest my head for a minute

When my father asked Stas (who is 7 or 8) about Christmas, he said "we're not decorating this year cause of Aunt Jadz"...and he repeated it a bunch of times...to my father...

That is so frustrating for me. I started to cry and could not stop...because my mother would NOT want that. I KNOW that for a fact. And her mother should know that. And her brother should know that. They are insane. And on another note, I would never do that to a child, either.

There were a bunch of other, little things too...the whole night was just ridiculous. They said the holidays would be rough, and they are...but since my happy memories of my mom outnumber the bad by far...I've barely cried...unless someone's given me reason to. I want so badly to talk to her...and I have so many amazing people to talk to about things...but I have so many important things in my life right now and no one will ever take her place

God I miss her so much

Dec. 9th, 2006

Soldiers and Family

http://www.larchmontgazette.com/2006/articles/20061206troopcarepack.html

Nov. 7th, 2006

(no subject)

I remember when I used to not confide in people, and I'd keep my mouth shut about things. If people asked if I was okay, I'd say that I was. Granted, I didn't have as much going on then...but maybe that's not as unhealthy as people think.

Sep. 24th, 2006

(no subject)

I should have been there

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